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Conversationally Speaking: Tested New Ways to Increase Your Personal and Social Effectiveness, by Alan Garner
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Conversationally Speaking: Tested New Ways to Increase Your Personal and Social Effectiveness
- Sales Rank: #2986175 in Books
- Brand: McGraw-Hill
- Published on: 1981-10
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Binding: Paperback
- 186 pages
- Great product!
Most helpful customer reviews
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful.
Dated, but very helpful
By Who's It
I don't think I'm terribly inept with social skills, but I often feel uncomfortable in social situations (especially with strangers or large groups). I think this is pretty normal these days. To be more loving to others, I've been working on my social skills to develop them and have been reading different books that are supposed to help with social skills. This book has been the best I have found for developing these skills. It had a many helpful ideas. The edition I read was a bit dated in it's examples, but still held very helpful ideas. I've also read "How To Start A Conversation And Make Friends" by Don Gabor. It was like it was written from the same basic outline, but this book by Garner is FAR superior. I wouldn't waste your time with the other book. Both these books are better than 'How to Be a People Magnet' by Leil Lowndes, which just was trite, not very helpful and taught manipulation. (It would say things like, "Just keep talking," without giving any tips or skills for how somebody who is not very talkative could do that.)
The other book I would recommend after this book is specific to communication during difficult conversations. That is 'Crucial Conversations'. Because of it's focus, that book doesn't have much of any overlap with 'Conversationally Speaking'. I'd recommend both of these books. Most social skills books are terrible, stupid or teach manipulative methods. 'Crucial Conversations' is not this way.
In my research to improve my social skills, the most helpful idea that I have come up with didn't come from a book, so I'll share it here. I like mystery novels, shows and movies. It helps me to think of myself as a 'Conversation Detective'. Especially before I go into a social situation, I prepare myself for 'detective' work and then look for clues with those I interact with. What do I know about them? What do I see on them? What have they told me? What did they get excited about? What is important to them? I try to ask lots of questions and then connect the dots to something that I feel that I can converse about or learn about.
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful.
Excellent book with good, practical help
By Paul A. Spangler
Although this book, before it was updated, has some old references to pop culture it has timeless applications for helping people talk to other people. I'm happy I picked up this book and I think others will be as well.
1 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
You've Got To Know The Facts
By Hoosier Hayseed
This author did a terrific job of describing some of the things that the average person can do to combat what they perceive as shyness in dealing with others in the public arena. But the primary problem, which I feel everybody is faced with, is left unaddressed.
Normal people are almost always completely unprepared for the frustration they experience in trying to deal with a shy person. "Shy" is merely shorthand for "cannot or will not speak," but you don't discover this until after you have launched into an attempted conversation with one of these poor unfortunate souls.
What a cruel hand fate has dealt to them.
People who are shy are already aware that they are shy, and it is something they have to live with every day of their life. But it is also a problem that normal people have to contend with, every time they come in contact with someone who just cannot or will not talk.
This is a mental problem, and is very complicated, and not easily dealt with. If we are to believe the reports we hear about shyness, it is said that as much as 50% of the public is shy, to at least some degree.
The primary problem, as I see it, is that the "normal" half of the population, who don't necessarily think of themselves as being shy, are left to interact with the other 50% who definitely are shy, without having any idea that they are encountering someone with a mental disability. They have no reason to suspect that they would have any difficulty engaging in conversation with them. They assume that anyone they meet is just another normal person, who is perfectly capable of carrying on a conversation. It is not immediately apparent to him that he has encountered someone who has a problem in understanding, and responding in the normally expected way.
When a normal person asks an opening question of someone they are meeting for the first time, they have what they think is a reasonable expectation of receiving a response. However, sometimes they are trying to get a response from someone who is not able to give them one.
And so they are puzzled whenever they get a totally unintelligible response, or even no response at all, leaving them somewhat perplexed and confused.
Since normal people usually assume that anyone they meet would be pretty much like themselves, they may attempt to have a friendly conversation with them, only to be met with almost complete silence, or very vague answers to what they feel are rational, reasonable questions.
The response he receives may be muddled, or completely unrelated to the question he asked. When he gets an answer that simply doesn't make sense, and attempts to understand what the other person meant to say, he can't seem to get any kind of comprehensible explanation.
In fact, the more questions he asks, the less he gets in the way of any sort of sensible answer.
This is very perplexing and confusing to him. Coming as a complete surprise, and totally unexpectedly, this serves to confound and bewilder the outgoing person, and make him doubt his own sense of self-confidence.
Keep in mind that this all takes place in a matter of seconds: All springing from a simple effort to initiate a friendly conversation with someone who gives every outward appearance of being completely normal.
When the person he's attempting to talk to doesn't seem to respond rationally to anything he might say, he becomes confused, since he can't make the person understand, and he isn't getting any sensible answers to his questions.
The more confused he becomes, the more his own feelings of frustration and shyness are magnified.
A very strange result of this experience is that it makes him feel as though he is the one with the problem, because he just can't seem to connect with the person he is attempting to talk to.
But there is nothing wrong with him. If he were to be trying to converse with another normal person, he would have absolutely no trouble in having casual conversation, even with a total stranger. When he receives an unintelligible response, he assumes he has said something wrong, and has no idea that the problem is actually because the person he is trying to talk to simply does not comprehend.
Or even if he does comprehend, he still can't seem to put together a response that is appropriate to the question.
But it is also possible to simply feel rejected; as if the person he is trying to talk to is just too arrogant or indifferent to even bother to give him a reply.
Of course, this has all happened within just a few seconds, and he still assumes that he is talking to a normal person, who is capable of understanding what he says, and able to respond as one would expect.
Either way, he is most likely to feel that the problem is a result of a misunderstanding, or that he has said something slightly offensive.
But the thought wouldn't even occur to him that the person he was trying to talk to could have a mental problem. Since this whole exchange is virtually instantaneous, he would have no reason to even suspect any sort of mental obstacle.
But that is the crux of the whole situation: A normal person has encountered a person who is mentally incapable of engaging in conversation, but has no clue that this is the case, and is left to flounder around in total confusion, trying to understand why he suddenly can't seem to communicate with someone whom he has assumed to be perfectly normal.
The net result of this whole episode is that the normal person thinks he has a problem with shyness.
But he is not shy, at all: He is only stymied when his efforts to initiate a conversation failed so miserably, because he couldn't get a sensible answer. The "awkward silence" he experienced was not due to any failure on his part; he just simply couldn't get any kind of response from the person he was attempting to talk to.
It's amazing how that awkward silence has such a devastating effect on the person who has asked a question, but receives no reply, or an indifferent response - which immediately undermines his self-confidence.
The bottom line is that all of these difficulties stem from the fact that the normal person has made the assumption that the person he is attempting to converse with is also normal, but all the signs indicate that such is not the case.
The sad conclusion that one finally comes to is that there are very many people in this world who can't put together a sentence of more than four or five words.
The unfortunate part of the whole situation is that the normal person has to figure it out for himself, with absolutely no hint as to the nature of the actual problem from the person he's trying to talk to.
His perception is that he has approached someone who he has assumed to be completely normal, but his attempt has been met with rudeness or indifference.
Since he assumes that this reaction has come from a normal person, he immediately equates their response with the feeling that he, himself, must have a problem.
Note that the "awkward silence" was awkward only to the normal person. The person who would not respond was simply unable to respond, and was just being himself. Since he was not able to process the question which was asked of him, he made no effort to reciprocate.
Once the person who has asked the question finally realizes that he has simply encountered someone who cannot comprehend, he can deal with it.
But this realization most often comes as a complete bolt out of the blue, and usually only if he has had at least some previous experience with this same sort of situation, and realizes what he's dealing with.
The first time it happens, you are just at a complete loss as to what has happened so suddenly - that you just don't seem to be able to talk to someone in any way that makes sense.
Or at least, you thought you were talking sensibly, but the person you were talking to didn't respond in the manner you expected him to.
This is totally confusing, but there is a sensible answer: You just have to think it through, and stay calm, and shift your brain into "analyze" mode, and do some shrewd deducting, to figure it out.
The only sensible reaction to being faced with this sort of situation is just the knowledge that since you know that you don't typically have any difficulty in talking to other people, the cause of the problem has to be with the person you're trying to talk to.
But until it happens to you, most of us simply do not have any idea that there are so many people who appear to be completely normal, but who are almost totally incapable of having any sort of give and take, casual conversation, because they are mentally handicapped.
Until the normal person has had a few previous experiences in trying to cope with such a scenario, he can only respond in a completely confused manner. But after a few episodes such as this, he realizes almost immediately what is going on when it happens again.
In fact, when you meet up with someone who displays all of the outward indicators of a very similar experience you may have had before, you will undoubtedly instantly realize what is happening.
The real shocker is just the realization that there are so many people walking around in the general population, appearing to be perfectly normal, who simply can't respond to any attempt to strike up a casual conversation with them.
And so, the situation needs to be addressed from the perspective of apples to apples, and not apples to oranges, as it were.
It is extremely unfortunate that shy people have this condition, but the fact is that they do, and the normal person, suspecting nothing, is caught completely flat-footed when he happens to run into one. The upshot of the whole experience is that he walks away feeling somewhat stunned, as if what just happened did not really happen.
It's only later, after he has had time to think back on the whole episode, that he begins to realize that the person he encountered was not able to respond normally to his overtures.
It just takes awhile to figure it out. At first, one is simply confused and bewildered at this turn of events, but upon thinking back over the encounter, you begin to realize what the problem actually is, especially if a similar situation had ever happened to you before.
There are no easy answers, but the actual problem needs to be explored, and not just offering some make-believe solution, which has no chance whatsoever to solve the real problem of interacting with shy people.
Many of the self-help books contend that all we need to do is to learn a few simple phrases, to draw out the other person in conversation, and that if we ask him questions about himself, the problem will be solved.
But that won't begin to solve the problem, because that is not the problem. The problem is that he can't talk, almost at all, and not just that if we simply lead him into talking about himself, he will evolve into a perfectly normal conversationalist.
Simply learning a few conversational techniques to use, as most of the self-help books recommend, will not magically cure the shy person of his shyness.
In fact, even the mental health professionals don't have the answer.
And if professional mental health counselors are unable to cure them, after hours and hours of therapy and analysis, how can an unsuspecting person who tries to chat them up in conversation begin to cope with someone who is mentally out to lunch?
Shy people, themselves, already know about their problem, and are no doubt trying to weather the situation as best they can, but the un-shy people need to know just what they're dealing with, and this book won't tell them.
Unfortunately, the real downer in all of this is the frequency with which it happens. Encountering people with this problem doesn't just occur occasionally, but seems to be happening more and more frequently.
It's anybody's guess as to exactly why there would be an increase in the number of people who have this condition, but it seems that the smart thing to do would be to always allow for the possibility that anyone you meet, whom you don't already know, could very well have mental issues, and to proceed only after you have determined that it is safe to do so.
I don't think you ever get used to it. It's the sort of thing you never expect, and it always catches you by surprise.
But until one has experienced incidents such as this enough times in the past to understand that it is actually not such an unusual occurrence, he still has doubts about his own self-confidence in social interactions.
About all you can do is to stay alert to any telltale signs they may emit early on in your attempt to make conversation, and realize that you are not going to succeed in changing anything with just a few well chosen words.
The only up side is that since it does seem to happen more and more often, you begin to see a pattern emerge.
Once you are able to recognize the symptoms, it doesn't take long at all to realize what is happening, and you don't have to agonize over the possibility that you may have said or done something wrong.
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